Won't you listen to it at all?
I could, but I already know what I'll hear.
Okay, I'll listen to (some of) it.
. . .
What a surprise, a human poodle in a tank top twiddling on a
superstrat through a Phase 90, a flanger ("just like Eddie, bro!") and idiotically scooped mids, a coked-up shrieking twat shrieking and twatting, a bass player going DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM on a single note and a general air of unoriginality, painfully dull cock posing, horror and misery.
So yeah, just what I knew it would be by looking at them. I mean, that's the point of looking a certain way for most people. So everyone who sees you will know who you are without a lot of uncomfortable explanation. In that way they were successful.
And I should probably mention, so you don't think I'm just a hater, that when Van Halen came through St. Paul for the first time in 1978 (opening for Montrose and Journey), I was right there in the front row. Because I'd never heard anything like that record, and I wanted to see if they really sounded like that with my own ears and eyes. I even went to the trouble of getting backstage before the show to look at Eddie's setup, which was three 100 watt Marshall amps turned all the way up and the aforementioned phase 90 and flanger, duct taped to a little piece of plywood.
To come up with the sound they came up with was inventive and exciting. Everyone else who came after, copying the sound as exactly as they could, were just sad clowns. Including Van Halen themselves, who never did anything new after that first record.